The Loneliness in Trying

February 26, 2014

*I’d like to preface this by making sure to say that I in NO WAY want people to take this post as a pity party or me feeling as though Nate and I are infertile.  I have such a heart for women who are not able to give birth to their own babies and do not want this to appear as though I’m putting myself in their shoes.  Maybe that is what God has in store for my life but at this point that is unknown.  This post is written by and for women who are in the early stages of trying to get pregnant.  This is not intended for women who are struggling with infertility.  I pray that this post does not come across as insensitive to any of you wonderful, strong women.* babyboySource Trying to get pregnant is not fun at all.  There I said it.  I know, I know baby making time is supposed to be the best.  You and your hubby are supposed to just get to have sex all the time and it’s just grand.  (And if you believe that you probably should go read a book on fertility…) If you’ve been around my blog for more than 2.5 posts you’ve probably picked up on the fact that Nate and I would love to get our family started.  We’re pretty easy going about the whole thing at this point (except when I’m hormonal…) and not putting stress on ourselves about it.  We’ve only been working on it for a very few months so we’re not concerned at all (once again, unless I’m hormonal…). The thing is, I’ve been talking to many other bloggers recently who are in the same place in life Nate and I are.  We’ve all been trying less than a year (some a little more than a year) and it hasn’t happened yet.  Some are trying to get pregnant with their second baby and experiencing a wait time they didn’t have with their first.  Many of us have been having some similar frustrations and experiences and almost all of us say that we wish we would have been better prepared for many of the experiences that occur during the baby making season of life.  We’ve found that it’s something people just don’t talk about.  If you know me at all, I like talking about a lot of things others don’t want to talk about.  😉 I feel as though the blogosphere is full of women who get pregnant when they so much as look at their husbands and women who struggle with infertility.  Those in the middle ground don’t seem to have much of a voice.  If you’re in this stage of life, I’d love to encourage you and let you know that you’re not alone!  If you’re going to be in this stage of life soon, I’d love to give you a heads up so you know what you’re getting yourself into.  Silence on these issues is NOT the answer! (Of course, I’m definitely not an expert on any of this.  I’m just sharing from personal experience and the experiences of my friends) 1.  Others probably won’t understand or won’t know what’s going on.  I’m pretty vocal (obviously) about the fact that we’re trying to get pregnant.  All my close friends know, my mom and sisters-in-law know, many of Nate’s and my coworkers know – it’s not a big deal to us.  Even so, there’s a lot of loneliness that goes along with this season of life.  Every month that you don’t see those two lines on the pregnancy test or are visited by Aunt Flow is a let down.  Even if others know you’re trying, they probably won’t completely understand how you’re feeling.  On the other hand, if you’re not someone who is sharing that you’re trying, you don’t have anyone to turn to with your frustrations or questions.  They get all bottled up inside.  Seeing others announce pregnancies while you’re still not pregnant is a bummer (even if it’s only been a month).  Please don’t wallow in these feelings!  Open up to a close friend, talk to your mom, or share your thoughts with your husband.  Allow others to know what’s going on in your life and in your beautiful brain. 2.  Sex can become a means to an end, not something to just enjoy.  No, this isn’t something that has to happen but, if you’re actively trying, it can.  There may be a night that you’re tired and just want to go to bed but, since you’re ovulating, if you don’t have sex you’ll probably have to wait another whole month to get pregnant.  During this time, it can be so easy to separate the emotions that should go along with sex from the actions of sex during the fertile time of the month.  This can totally have a negative affect on your marriage if you let it.  Keep the lines of communication open and make sure you and your hubby are keeping your relationship strong! 3.  Your body can play tricks on you.  This may be a little TMI but, since we’ve been trying, I’ve had the most sporadic cycles EVER!  My body also has displayed some pretty significant pregnancy symptoms two months so far.  Fun fact – this is not abnormal!!!  Multiple girls I know have had similar situations when they’ve been trying and this article explains why.  Our brains do crazy things and apparently think it’s fun to try to convince us we’re pregnant!  If you feel like your body is going crazy, don’t stress over it.  (But if you feel like it’s REALLY going crazy obviously go see a doctor!) 4.  You may need to grieve a little.  Each month that you don’t get pregnant can be tough.  It really doesn’t help that you’re at your most hormonal time of the month when you find out you’re not pregnant.  It’s ok to cry a little.  Each month you have lost your dream of getting pregnant.  Yes, there’s next month, but don’t be afraid to admit you’re bummed.  And grab yourself a glass of wine or go out to sushi, babe.  You’re not pregnant so you have no baby that it’s affecting!  That’ll definitely help cheer you up. All in all, just know that you have a community out here.  We may be more silent than other communities but we’re here.  You’re not in this alone!  I love talking about this so feel free to email me at any time.  Fair warning, if I’m on my period you may get a very hormonal response.  😉

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