Miscarriage… Learning to Be Okay with Being Okay
On Mother’s Day I thought it would be fun to take a pregnancy test. It would have been so fun to get a positive test on that day – learning I’m going to be a mother again on the day that celebrates motherhood! While waiting for Caleb to wake up from his nap in order for us to head to church, I pulled out a pregnancy test, peed on it, and waited for the results.
Much to my surprise a very faint positive showed up right away! Due to where I was at in my cycle I was a little confused by the extremely faint positive. With Caleb the test was boldly positive a few days sooner in my cycle. Regardless of how bold the test was, though, it was definitely positive!
For some reason I didn’t get excited. Since the test was very faint I didn’t know what was going on. With Caleb I had just known that I was pregnant, before even taking the pregnancy test but this time I didn’t feel as though I was pregnant… Something was definitely different. A little bit of googling later I found out that it was possible that the faint positive was coming from a chemical pregnancy – a very early miscarriage, losing the baby before the fertilized egg has a chance to implant in the uterus.
Caleb and I headed to church (where Nate already was… #pastorlife) and I prayed for peace with whatever was going on in my body and with this pregnancy.
Nate gets home later than me on Sundays so, when he finally was home, I showed him the test. He agreed that it was definitely positive but so light. I filled him in on the information I had discovered and we prayed about the situation, giving it over to the Lord.
The next day, I began to bleed.
If I had never taken the pregnancy test I would have assumed that my cycle was just a little late and gone on with my life. But, instead, I knew I was miscarrying.
I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe life begins the moment the sperm and egg meet and that life has value. That being said, miscarrying didn’t upset me. And that upset me. In my head I knew that a life had ended but in my heart it didn’t affect me. I felt like a heartless individual, someone who didn’t care about my child who’s life had ended.
Maybe you’ve been in my shoes. Maybe you’ve experienced the same feelings regarding an extremely early miscarriage in your life. So many of us have this experience. According to What to Expect, one in six pregnancies end in miscarriage and, out of those, up to 75% of those miscarriages are chemical pregnancies. That means, if I did my math right, about 1/8 of pregnancies end in chemical pregnancies! That’s huge!
As I processed through my okay-ness, I realized that it wasn’t heartlessness that kept me from being upset – it was reality. I LOVE studying fertility! I know the facts about miscarriage. I know why early miscarriages happen. As a Christian, I believe that God designed our bodies to know whether an embryo is viable or not. These were all truths I had planted in my heart long before Mother’s Day.
It was not that I was going back on my belief that all human life is scared. It was not that I was going back on my belief that life begins at conception. It is that I have my trust in the Lord and know that He has a plan for my fertility and my family. He gave me a peace at the time of testing and continued to give me peace after I found out for sure that the pregnancy wasn’t going to last.
I’ve learned to be ok with the fact that I’m ok.